If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
