be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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