I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
