Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
