At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
