Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
