Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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