Duck Duck Cougar?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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