I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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