Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
