just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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