I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
