just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There's always time for handjobs
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
