so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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