just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
