i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
