well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
