Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
