i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
