It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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