Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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