All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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