We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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