i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
