Just fell off a train. Bad.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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