i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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