So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
