Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
