Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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