I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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