I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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