I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You may now shotgun with the bride
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't put those talents on a resume
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
