She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
