i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
