do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
