oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
