I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
