guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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