Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
