I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
