maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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