I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
