insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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