I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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