just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
