The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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