My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
