Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
