Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
