The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just want to make out with him forever
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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