Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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