She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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